Anxiety | Update

"Be Gentle with yourself you're doing the best you can"

I never expected I would be talking about this topic on here again as writing the previous post made me want to throw my laptop away and never open it again. That being said, a lot has changed since I wrote that post and I finally feel ready to talk about it again. 

I wish I could write "everything is fixed and life is wonderful" but that's not true. 

In fact it's close to the opposite but i'm powering through, as Jas would say "what do we do? We power through" that might be about tequila shots but I feel like it's appropriate. 

After what feels like a lifetime of suffering with anxiety I feel like it's safe to say you have to take everyday as it comes, life is hard. Life is hard for everyone anxiety or not. It's so hard to talk about anxiety in general as it's so different for every single person. 

Back in 2015 (which feels like so long ago) I wrote a post publishing that I suffer with sever anxiety and although only a year on a lot has changed. Yes I still suffer with intense anxiety, yes I still miss out on exciting things, yes I sometimes can't go to a lecture due to the fear or breaking down or panicking in a hall full of people who have no idea my mind is hacked. 

As an anxiety and depression sufferer my mind is wired differently and it adapts to situations differently. A simple catch up in a cafe with a friend sounds like such a fun, perfect situation to a lot of people, not to me. The idea of travelling there alone, going to a place I don't know, wondering how the person will react when they see me, and worst of all, worrying about whether I will cry or not. 

I have always been a crier, my whole life. I cry when I feel any emotion. So the thought of sitting in a room and bursting into tears for what appears like no reason cripples me and I don't know why. 

Right now as I lie on the sofa home alone as my friends are all out having a good time makes me feel like my life is a war. That might sound weird but everyday I am fighting battles and desperately trying to find a way to make peace in my mind. 

I am beyond thrilled to tell you that peace doesn't feel a million miles away. 

Of course there are days where i'm fully prepared to throw in the towel and give it all up but there's a small voice in my mind, my mums voice that reminds me of all the amazing things in my life. My friends. family, passions and my career goal. I have a place on this earth, and I'm not giving that up for anything. 

Throughout my life I have seen a number of therapists, i'm not going to lie to you some of them were awful but a couple have changed my life. I know how my anxiety works, believe me I have heard it a thousand times. I know that my brain thinks there's danger and wants to "fight or flight"  but facts can't fix years of pretending it doesn't exist. Years of figuring my brain out, down to the facts. I know what triggers me, I know what places to avoid. I know why I have anxiety, I know what makes it worse but what I want to know is how to get rid of it. 

The answer is, I wont. 

I can't just fix my brain overnight. Pulling the head off a weed won't stop it from growing back. I have to tackle the problem from the root. The roots that have dug themselves deep into my nature. 

You might be thinking "stop attention seeking"  I have heard that phrase a thousand times throughout my mental health journey and I will hear it for years to come. I have never spoken out about my anxiety so people will talk about me, feel sorry for me or do something to make me smile. I have talked about my anxiety so that people understand that the reason i'm not going to their birthday is because my brain won't let me. The reason I can't function like a normal human. The reason my heart aches everyday. 

Have you ever felt like your world is crashing down on you and you just don't know how to hold it up. How to juggle life in a way that is both practical and effective, desperately trying to find a way to hold the weight of the world without hurting yourself or the people you love? Yeah, I feel that too but sometimes, the weight of the world doesn't always seen so heavy. 

I want anyone reading this to know that life is hard for everyone and everyone is fighting their own battles. Spare some happiness and lend a helping hand to those who need it. 

I love you mum, thank you for everything.